Five exam-prep lies we've all told ourselves

October 13, 2015
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Look, everyone lies. It’s an unavoidable part of human existence. And while we usually lie to other people – “Sorry, I’m busy!” or “Yeah, Pepsi’s fine” – we also lie to ourselves more often than we should.

These lies come out most during stressful times, such as exam periods, when we pleasure ourselves with a plethora of white lies to make sure we don’t lose it.

“I won’t go out the night before.”

You’re cramped up in your bedroom, notes scattered across your desk, and your brain is overflowing with theorists, references and information you’re not going to remember/care about when you walk out of your exam. Suddenly, your phone beeps and you notice it’s a text from your mate, Billy.

“Hiofho asdo pub jwjr beer jsjbhj4uo2 yewww!!!” it reads, which you translate to, “Come join us at the pub for a beer or four - yew!”

After feeling a sense of pride for successfully translating drunken gibberish to intelligible English, you skulk out into the night thinking your study can wait and that it’ll all be fine. How wrong you are.

“I won’t leave my study until the last night.”

I’m going to keep it real here: these nine fateful words are uttered in our conscience so often, yet each time we grow more and more wary of our own dishonesty. You’re absolutely going to leave your study to the last night - let’s not disrespect your intelligence by trying to believe otherwise.

“I won’t procrastinate by finding new, creative and elusive ways to cheat.”

Universities have this sort of stuff on lock, guys. Cheating, much like trying to make it through an entire Nickelback album listening party, is a task that is rarely ever completed successfully.

While I guess it’s a good thing that you’re putting your mind to doing something, it’d be much more beneficial for you to put your mind to actually learning the information, right?

“I won’t dose up on caffeine and sugar to keep me going.”

Pre-exams, you’re probably living in some sort of drug lab with dingy walls and a flickering fluoro light dimly illuminating your bedroom. You can practically undergo a passive high from the scent of coffee floating about before noticing the Wonka-level of candy, chocolate and straight-up sugar taking over your room.

Looking in the mirror, you notice your eyes are bloodshot, your body is twitching and you’re bloody buzzing to tackle your study. Ten minutes later, you’re completely knocked out on your bed. Take it easy on the sugar and caffeine, guys. H2O is the WAY2GO.

“I won’t consider every possible exit route there is to get me out of sitting this exam.”

OK, you’ve tried to fake sick and you failed. You’ve tried to sabotage your car to the best of your ability so you can whine about your “car troubles” and how “life’s not fair”. You’ve read and re-read Harry Potter so many times to try and find any subtle instructions about how to apparate successfully - despite your Muggle self barely being able to put pants on, let alone bend the parallels of space and time.

It’s time to throw in the towel and actually commit yourself to doing this exam… unless there’s a trap door in the hall?

Jackson Langford

Jackson is studying a Bachelor of Communication degree at the University of Newcastle and is the rightful heir to the throne.

Image: James Stewart, Flickr Creative Commons license